Man I am frustrated. I’ve been frustrated in the past, but I’m super frustrated. As I was getting into the shower I walked past the mirror getting a nice profile shot. While my stomach isn’t hanging over my waistline like days of yore, I’m protruding a bit. I have to ask myself why this is. Really, it could be a number of things. Perhaps it’s because I’ve been out of work for going on 5 months now with no end in sight. It could be because I’ve been looking for contractual work non-stop since. I get a little work, but it’s so inconsistent and time consuming that it leaves little to no time to get my workout on. In addition to this, I’ve been doing my best to exercise my talents with a little bit of side work (a la www.ModernBirdstudios.com), but not exercise my body. It sounds like an excuse, but running on 2-4 hours of sleep consistently is not conducive to suffering on the bike for an hour or three because you’re already suffering.
I must stop kidding myself by wearing clothes that are ‘baggy’ to hide the fact that I’ve gained weight. One of the things I love about my wife is her brutal honesty. “Honey, you’re gaining weight and looking fat.” That kind of honesty makes me want to grab a tissue and wipe the tear from my eye. Not a tear of hurt or sadness, but a tear for the kind of honesty that makes you want to stand up and place your hand over your heart and sing the National Anthem.
I get it, I really do. I’m not completely ‘fat’ by normal people’s standards, but I am certainly fat by cycling standards. I’m a big guy. I always have been. I can hold my own on the bike, and have a pretty decent motor. Even more so when I’m not 20-30 lbs over my race weight. But in light of my economic situation, what can I do? I want to train, but at this point I can’t afford my license or the fee for races. I don’t say this for a pity party because it is what it is. I say this because I don’t believe I am the only person going through this right now.
I am a graphic designer. I am in a field that is saturated with other graphic designers. Single graphic designers willing to work for less, with far less expenses than what I have with a family of 4. I ran my own business for 3 years only to have the economy rear it’s ugly head and berate me into finding work with a paycheck and benefits. That lasted about 10 months. I was laid off for, well, lack of work. I loved the job because I got to commute into DC and put in 50+ miles a day doing it. I find it odd that at one point I was willing to get up at 4:00-4:30 AM to ride my bike into work, and now I can barely muster the strength to pull up the toilet seat to take a piss, let alone go out for and hour or three.
I go out with my teammates and friends to ride and shoot the shizz. I’m happy it’s winter if for no other reason than no one is hammering out anything. It’s an easy ride. I also breath heavy and always have, so it’s not odd to hear me gasping. One of my teammates is nice enough to say “yeah man, you’ve got a nice motor”, but I can also hear what else he’s saying, which is “and you’d probably be pretty decent if you weren’t so fat.” It’s true. I know it’s true.
In the midst of all this personal, economic and household turmoil, I can’t seem to train right. I’m pumping crap into my veins to derail the effort of losing weight. Call it comfort eating. The snow hasn’t helped at all, and for someone who grew up in a ski resort town, I am almost ashamed to say that the snow is annoying me. I’ve stripped down my plush bike, trying to sell the frame and have gone more economical for my bike gear. I’m not depressed, per se, but I’m certainly not celebrating what a good provider I am. I am what I would call moderately talented, and certainly able, but can’t seem to get anything in my favor.
So now that you’ve been invited to my pity party, let me get you a drink. While you’re at it, click on a link, buy some advertising or contact me about some sponsorship or something for the podcast. Sheesh.
DC
